[ there's another pause before yennefer replies, not just because she wants to digest everything alina's telling her but because she's weighing over whether it's important to divulge something else. years ago, if she'd been having this same conversation, she might have shied away at the idea of sharing this truth about herself, but now — now, she refuses to hide who she is, the blood she possesses. it's been used against her for far too long. ]
I'm going to tell you something no one else here knows. Not out of some great attempt at secrecy, just because it hasn't come up in conversation. But I have elven blood. And it was something that was used to diminish me, made me a target to be discriminated against. I nearly lost out on the placement I wanted most as king's mage because another sorcerer viewed me as lesser, tainted by the fact that I wasn't wholly human. [ but honestly, fuck stregobor. ]
You are different, whether you want to be or not. But you don't have to give others the power to make you feel inferior. Not if you recognize your own value, and what it is you possess that they don't.
The only thing that I possess that they don't is worthless until I can grow powerful enough to destroy the Fold.
[ she's got that teenage density that keeps yennefer's well-reasoned compassion and empathy from fully penetrating, or at least from fully giving root to any self-compassion. ]
[ her voice cracks as she finally says it aloud. ]
I'm not as strong as he is.
[ 'was,' she should have said. the black heretic was supposed to be dead and gone, lost to history. he was not supposed to sit on her bed and tell her about birdsong and bring her food. she draws a shuddering breath. ]
I might never be. Certainly not fast enough for it to mean anything, to matter. Not on my own.
[ yennefer only knows so much about these saints that alina has made reference to, but she also knows about the futility of trying to measure yourself against anyone else's prowess.
that said, her attention is specifically pinged by the particular tense being used in that remark, which may or may not even be conscious. ]
He's one of the few here you mentioned? [ someone to be aware of, at the very least. ]
[ it's obvious in her little stutter that alina hadn't meant to make that apparent. but then, she hasn't said his name, has she? there's nothing to connect him to aleksander. nothing to indicate she knows it's him.
and yennefer, she's not the type to go spill secrets. surely. ]
He is.
[ she doesn't offer more than that, though. doesn't know what else to say before her throat closes up. ]
[ that reaction tells her all she needs to know, for now. but yennefer doesn't need to know who it is, specifically, or the significance he poses. alina's already offered plenty in terms of how she weighs her own power against his, makes those comparisons that she might not even be that conscious of.
still, it's something to file away for the future, depending on whenever she meets the other half of this. ]
Regardless, the sooner you stop equating yourself to anyone else, the less pressure you'll feel to get it right on their terms. You have no equal, Alina. And that's hardly a flaw.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cw: also racism
I'm going to tell you something no one else here knows. Not out of some great attempt at secrecy, just because it hasn't come up in conversation. But I have elven blood. And it was something that was used to diminish me, made me a target to be discriminated against. I nearly lost out on the placement I wanted most as king's mage because another sorcerer viewed me as lesser, tainted by the fact that I wasn't wholly human. [ but honestly, fuck stregobor. ]
You are different, whether you want to be or not. But you don't have to give others the power to make you feel inferior. Not if you recognize your own value, and what it is you possess that they don't.
no subject
[ she's got that teenage density that keeps yennefer's well-reasoned compassion and empathy from fully penetrating, or at least from fully giving root to any self-compassion. ]
no subject
[ but she knows that when you’re a certain age, even the amount of time required to build up the strength of ability feels akin to an eternity. ]
no subject
[ her voice cracks as she finally says it aloud. ]
I'm not as strong as he is.
[ 'was,' she should have said. the black heretic was supposed to be dead and gone, lost to history. he was not supposed to sit on her bed and tell her about birdsong and bring her food. she draws a shuddering breath. ]
I might never be. Certainly not fast enough for it to mean anything, to matter. Not on my own.
no subject
that said, her attention is specifically pinged by the particular tense being used in that remark, which may or may not even be conscious. ]
He's one of the few here you mentioned? [ someone to be aware of, at the very least. ]
no subject
[ it's obvious in her little stutter that alina hadn't meant to make that apparent. but then, she hasn't said his name, has she? there's nothing to connect him to aleksander. nothing to indicate she knows it's him.
and yennefer, she's not the type to go spill secrets. surely. ]
He is.
[ she doesn't offer more than that, though. doesn't know what else to say before her throat closes up. ]
no subject
still, it's something to file away for the future, depending on whenever she meets the other half of this. ]
Regardless, the sooner you stop equating yourself to anyone else, the less pressure you'll feel to get it right on their terms. You have no equal, Alina. And that's hardly a flaw.
no subject
[ if she could just will herself to stop caring, to stop feeling the burden of her people's survival, she would. but it hangs around her like a fog. ]
no subject
[ said with a bit of a chuckle, because she understands it — the frustration, the concern about what other people think, all of it. ]
I’m glad you told me the truth.
no subject
no subject