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[princess_of_ida]

I don't know what to do, Yen. I'm betrothed back home.

[Just because Ianthe betrothed herself to Harrowhark didn't make it any less true. Nevermind that Harrow was unaware of it.]

John says I can marry here if I want but... it's complicated.

[choicely]

Well, it seems as though you have God's permission.

[ even though she also understands the position of not being completely sold on a god's assurance. ]

I'd say it might not present a larger problem unless your betrothed suddenly happens to appear here.

[princess_of_ida]

She wouldn't care. [Mostly because she didn't know Ianthe had decided they would wed.] It's not like it would be a factor outside of here. I don't even know if her planet is in my galaxy.

Outside of all that... I am... torn.

[choicely]

Because you didn't envision yourself as anyone's wife?

[princess_of_ida]

No, because my feelings are hard to categorize.

[choicely]

It's never easy to truly care about someone.

[princess_of_ida]

[Did she trust Yennefer? Could she talk about the real issue? She could understand things beyond what she had encountered. But Yennefer was also one of the few people here she truly saw as an equal. Maybe if she talked without giving the real details.]

Okay, Yen... only John knows this and I don't think he actually gets it. There's a... duality inside of me. Like I'm two in one. I'm me, but there's another part of me that wasn't originally there but is now and is me but not. Yet there isn't a clear delineation between the two.

It's that other part that holds the majority of my... affections.

[choicely]

So now, it's more of a question of... how much of this is you, and how much of it is this other part?

[ without knowing all of the details, she can only guess at what it means for ianthe now, but it is giving her a better understanding of why the necromancer might be feeling especially torn about this, if these feelings largely exist in a piece that wasn't always within her. ]

[princess_of_ida]

Yeah... but that part is still technically me. It influences me. Like I can't find where I end and that part begins anymore like. Every day it's even less clear.

[She sighed.] Like I'm very much aware that part of me is why I feel like I do, why I kind of do want to be her wife. But it's not me... except I'll never be me like I used to be.

[Was this even making sense?]

[choicely]

Then I suppose the real question is: if you had the chance to separate this other part from you, would you?

[princess_of_ida]

No. [Absolutely no hesitation.] It's necessary for what I am and what I must do back home.

[But then came the heavy pause.]

I just... wish it wasn't changing who I was. Integrating like it is.

[choicely]

Change happens for all of us, regardless of the circumstances that set it in motion.

I'm far from the woman I was when I first ascended to sorceress. I resisted it at first, but now... [ she trails off herself, and then there's a pause on her side before she continues. ] And perhaps you didn't envision that this new piece would change you in the way that it has, but not relinquishing it means opening yourself up to the possibility of accepting what you might become.

[princess_of_ida]

But he's so boring. Ugh. No wonder he fell for her, she's just the kind of woman for him.

[choicely]

He?

[princess_of_ida]

Fuck.

[Shitshitshitshitshit.]

My cavalier soul. The other half.

[Fuck.]

[choicely]

Did this soul happen to belong to another body, originally?

[princess_of_ida]

I'm not answering that.

[choicely]

[ if so, it puts a lot of things into perspective. ]

Well, my original point still stands. About accepting the change.

[princess_of_ida]

But what do I do about this marriage thing?

[choicely]

Have you tried speaking with Gilia about it?

[princess_of_ida]

Not yet. But I already know she'll say that she doesn't expect me to adhere to her societal customs. She knows mine is largely a monogamous society.

I just sorta do want it. I like the way she makes me feel. And she loves me. No one but my sister has ever loved me.

And, fuck, Yennefer, things are so simple with Gilia. But... I know it's the cavalier, not the necromancer that loves her. [But again, they're not separate entities anymore.]

The necromancer wants another just as much.

[choicely]

The longer this soul is a part of you, the less it might become apparent which half wants what.

Or, you might have to accept that one part of you is satisfied by one person, and one part of you is satisfied by someone else. I doubt anyone here is qualified to judge.

[ especially when they’re practically all fucking each other in some form, this tangled web of void-touched. sating zadza isn’t even the half of it anymore. ]

Besides, you said it yourself: Gilia doesn’t come from a sphere where monogamy is expected.

[princess_of_ida]

I know, I know, I know.

[Guess who's struggling with losing herself? That's the real issue. This marriage thing wouldn't have happened if not for Babs. So Ianthe thought.]

And Alina has someone else, too, and--

Fuck, I wish I didn't have feelings. I hate them.

[choicely]

[ so it’s alina. nothing yen intends to point out, but something she does make note of nevertheless. ]

They’re not ideal, I know.

[ says the sorceress who is currently trying to reconcile her own inconvenient emotions revolving around someone else. ]

[princess_of_ida]

Fuck I need a distraction. Fuck these belts.

[Being the Deathwarden meant she had to comply. Mostly.]

Can I talk you into coming over and like shoving me face first into the wall with my hair in you fist while you say filthy things in my ear, refusing to let me touch you?