You should never have to diminish yourself. Not for your own sake, and certainly not for the sake of others.
[ if she sounds slightly more impassioned in that moment, it's because this is a subject that she feels significantly strong about β perhaps it's why she'd only been able to bear her position as aedirn's mage for a handful of decades before tiring of the courtly politics and other responsibilities. serving at the right side of a king could only satisfy her for so long. ]
I suppose there is a slight difference, though, between a stronger assertion and more overt domineering.
[ Really why in the end, she had wanted to ask Yennefer, because she suspected the woman shared some of her scale. ]
We are warned from infancy what happens when we lose control, when we lash out, we destroy cities, one song, and I wash this town away. Before, the thought sickened me.
But Spirits, lately, lately this temper I have never had, not like this, it gnaws at me, like all of this is longing to break free of me.
But it would take a significantly large effort for something like that to happen, wouldn't it?
[ even a similar display of chaos, yen thinks, would take power magnified beyond its initial form, and something a sorceress could achieve but certainly not without time and allowing the magic to build on itself. ]
There's also the possibility that stifling yourself could lead to something worse, if you don't find ways of letting the power trickle out of you a little at a time.
[ Would it? At home, it is a risk for the sea is everywhere, but here, there are rivers and lakes, the small shades of something greater. ]
I am not... sure. At home, it would take a great emotion. A great pain, a great happiness. I am no longer sure what I could accomplish here. I certainly could wield the flood waters in great freedom.
[ and isn't that half the issue? ]
I know being near Sweeney helps, given his nature as - well, that he is a Spirit, it lets some of it break loose. Otherwise I worry that it is... it is the frustration and hurt that makes it build the way it does.
Frustration is a more commonly held emotion here than some might lead you to believe.
[ it's only that there are those among them who have gotten better at masking it, or at least pretending as though they're not affected by these unfamiliar circumstances. others, though, have no hesitation when it comes to making everyone aware of their unhappiness via the telepathic connection they all share.
she doesn't openly remark on the mention of sweeney, even though it shouldn't come as any surprise to her that he's forged connections with others. ]
Then perhaps that's the answer, for now. Finding those who can allow you to release a portion of those energies where possible.
That... that is why perhaps I ask you especially. I have... I have been afraid so long, and it is... it has made me this way. But it... it tires me, to be so... so fearful of my own voice, my own presence.
[ There are many reasons for it, but does it matter? Here she is, regardless. ]
Not only that no one else seems to take me seriously, but that I cannot seem to take myself so. How is that you... you stare others so frankly in the eye, and say as you mean so plainly?
The way it was explained to me once is that holding onto a great deal of power is not unlike attempting to capture lightning in a bottle. It's challenging, and it requires significant effort, and even the slightest mistake can be costly. But you have to attempt it with confidence, because uncertainty is the fastest way to hurt yourself or worse.
[ funny, she thinks, that she's equipping this metaphor now; somewhere, she can almost picture tissaia nodding approvingly. ]
Some of it comes with time. I've had more of it than others might guess by looking at me.
They are, yes. From what I understood of what Sweeney showed me, he is some... five or six thousand years old? It is not my lands so I do not strictly understand how they mark that time, but he would be ancient, even to my understanding. John, from what Ianthe has told me, is as old as that, if not more so? Though I know them to be quite different in some key ways...
[ PAUSE.
She had not considered Yennefer, before, but - well she is incredibly powerful, and even if all her plans had gone terribly before... she had not given up? ]
Tell me, Lady Yennefer, have you ever worked to transfer power from one being into another?
Different sources of power, at the very least. Though I only have more familiarity with one of them. The other is little known to me beyond simply "god."
In my sphere, yes. I've used my power to strengthen another's, but chaos in and of itself is about taking a source from one thing and channeling it into another, all while maintaining a level of balance.
Most do not, I suspect. He understates it, I think because of how he has changed so much, he never even told me anything at all to begin with. Have you felt how he... he pulls, on the senses? That... rawness at times? Open. It feels like... like a grass field, after spring rain.
He is no lesser Spirit, as he often says, nor mortal born, turned to greater power to let him live so long.
When he was made those six thousand years ago, when in this place... earth? That they call it? When mankind was young, just beginning. He was a God, a King of them, in fact. He was the Sun, the Hills, the wheat and it's harvest and all manner of Golden things, as well as Gold itself.
There is a great deal more, of course, but that is simplest, and most of what his memory recalls after so long.
But since then, his people have forgotten him, he has been whittled away, and those gifts lost to him.
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[ She gives herself a second, clearing her voice to steady it and continue on without all the - fuss. ]
That is what is hardest, I suppose, that.... it felt good - it felt so good to wield it and be known for it, and not diminish for anyone else's sake.
To make it understood there is a mountain of things I do for their sake that they have no idea of.
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[ if she sounds slightly more impassioned in that moment, it's because this is a subject that she feels significantly strong about β perhaps it's why she'd only been able to bear her position as aedirn's mage for a handful of decades before tiring of the courtly politics and other responsibilities. serving at the right side of a king could only satisfy her for so long. ]
I suppose there is a slight difference, though, between a stronger assertion and more overt domineering.
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[ Really why in the end, she had wanted to ask Yennefer, because she suspected the woman shared some of her scale. ]
We are warned from infancy what happens when we lose control, when we lash out, we destroy cities, one song, and I wash this town away. Before, the thought sickened me.
But Spirits, lately, lately this temper I have never had, not like this, it gnaws at me, like all of this is longing to break free of me.
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[ even a similar display of chaos, yen thinks, would take power magnified beyond its initial form, and something a sorceress could achieve but certainly not without time and allowing the magic to build on itself. ]
There's also the possibility that stifling yourself could lead to something worse, if you don't find ways of letting the power trickle out of you a little at a time.
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I am not... sure. At home, it would take a great emotion. A great pain, a great happiness. I am no longer sure what I could accomplish here. I certainly could wield the flood waters in great freedom.
[ and isn't that half the issue? ]
I know being near Sweeney helps, given his nature as - well, that he is a Spirit, it lets some of it break loose. Otherwise I worry that it is... it is the frustration and hurt that makes it build the way it does.
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[ it's only that there are those among them who have gotten better at masking it, or at least pretending as though they're not affected by these unfamiliar circumstances. others, though, have no hesitation when it comes to making everyone aware of their unhappiness via the telepathic connection they all share.
she doesn't openly remark on the mention of sweeney, even though it shouldn't come as any surprise to her that he's forged connections with others. ]
Then perhaps that's the answer, for now. Finding those who can allow you to release a portion of those energies where possible.
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[ There are many reasons for it, but does it matter? Here she is, regardless. ]
Not only that no one else seems to take me seriously, but that I cannot seem to take myself so. How is that you... you stare others so frankly in the eye, and say as you mean so plainly?
[ How does she do that? ]
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[ funny, she thinks, that she's equipping this metaphor now; somewhere, she can almost picture tissaia nodding approvingly. ]
Some of it comes with time. I've had more of it than others might guess by looking at me.
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[ She rubs at her brow with thought, thinking it over, what that might be. ]
How old are you, should that not be too bold of me to ask?
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I'll admit, I stopped counting after the eighth decade or so. It all runs together a bit beyond that.
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But Spirits, yes, who might not be so grand as my families patron, but they have lived many centuries, some as old as the hills, even.
They say much the same. That it becomes not so important to count one decade or another.
Oh, and Sweeney, of course.
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[ PAUSE.
She had not considered Yennefer, before, but - well she is incredibly powerful, and even if all her plans had gone terribly before... she had not given up? ]
Tell me, Lady Yennefer, have you ever worked to transfer power from one being into another?
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In my sphere, yes. I've used my power to strengthen another's, but chaos in and of itself is about taking a source from one thing and channeling it into another, all while maintaining a level of balance.
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Or would the conduit need to be always present for that?
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Would you be willing to try it? To do tests, first, at least.
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... Sweeney. Specifically, that he is not as he should be. Much... much has been taken from him.
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it changes things. namely, her willingness to even so much as attempt it. ]
Where is it now? What he lacks?
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Has he told you what he is - what he truly is?
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He is no lesser Spirit, as he often says, nor mortal born, turned to greater power to let him live so long.
When he was made those six thousand years ago, when in this place... earth? That they call it? When mankind was young, just beginning. He was a God, a King of them, in fact. He was the Sun, the Hills, the wheat and it's harvest and all manner of Golden things, as well as Gold itself.
There is a great deal more, of course, but that is simplest, and most of what his memory recalls after so long.
But since then, his people have forgotten him, he has been whittled away, and those gifts lost to him.
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