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[princess_of_ida]

She had always been a means to an end. And now that I have what I've been seeking for so long... I still don't see the point in fighting against her.

Especially now. I've been resisting the Void for two years now. I'm not going to give in now.

[choicely]

If only others had the same level of foresight we do.

[princess_of_ida]

I suppose I should update the history for the children.

[Derogatory way to refer to the new arrivals but so many of them resemble toddlers throwing tantrums.]

Tell me, Yen, how do you deal with the curse of the long-lived of having to eventually lose everyone you love or that matters to you? I thought I'd have decades before dealing with this.

[choicely]

[ compared to yennefer herself, many of them are children, although she's already made note of one or two arrivals who are much older than they appear. ]

That's a rather interesting pivot. I suppose I haven't had many I've loved enough to mourn them, previously. [ family was... complicated, to say the least. ] And it's not as though I can't die myself, by natural means. I'm simply much older than I appear to be.

[princess_of_ida]

I know, but you're long-lived enough that this is relevant to you.

It's just... it hit me earlier this month that everyone I have ever loved save for Peony has been taken from me. They're gone... and yet I still remain. I thought I had more time to build up a callous.

[choicely]

[ there's a long pause, from yennefer's end. ]

For quite a long time, I didn't allow myself to love anyone. Not after the world had hardly been kind to a girl with a twisted spine. But that didn't remain so, even if it took many years later for me to find anyone I considered holding close.

I built up my calluses long before now. Perhaps it's better that you haven't.

[princess_of_ida]

I fail to see the benefit in having immortality's existential crisis when I'm not even old enough for my parents to be dead. I don't like open wounds that won't heal. Better to not have them in the first place.

[choicely]

That makes one of us. [ but her family had been among those she found herself holding no love for, and she's already mourned them. ]

I won't live forever. I may not even live another fifty years. But I've already spent too much of that time hardened.

[princess_of_ida]

How long do sorceresses live where you're from?

[choicely]

It can be hundreds of years, provided a stray arrow or inconvenient beheading doesn't get to them first.

[princess_of_ida]

[Ianthe snickered - inconvenient beheading.]

So you conceivably still have a lot of time ahead of you. Xue Yang is gone now. It's just you and me left from the beginning.

[choicely]

Is it? [ there's a slight hesitation in yennefer's voice, a tightness. ] I hadn't realized.

[princess_of_ida]

I keep too many records to not note such things. He was my cavalier.

[More like attack dog, but that was unimportant.]

With him gone, we've lost a resource to controlling our transformations. He learned how to do that

[choicely]

I suppose I've always thought of some of the others as always having been here.

Did you ever speak with him about it?

[princess_of_ida]

Others have been here almost as long but it's just us from the beginning.

I did have a few conversations about it and observed his thalergy while he utilized his monster. I know the basic gist but not the techniques.

[choicely]

That could prove useful. [ a slight pause, and then: ] After the castle, I've been considering the experiment of triggering my monster willingly.

[princess_of_ida]

I will tell you what he said to me: in order to control it, you must accept and embrace the parts of you it represents.

As Zlatka says, the monster is our deepest, darkest desires twisted into something monstrous. Xue Yang didn't think anyone would be willing to delve that deeply into the parts of themselves they don't like. He always embraced them.

[Ianthe did as well, but she didn't bother to learn the techniques as it hadn't been necessary.]

[choicely]

Sounds logical in concept, but practically... I'm sure it's not quite so simple.

[ then again, if yennefer had ended up here at any previous point in her history, she might have been more unwilling to acknowledge what her monster truly signifies. now, she's come to terms with a lot of her own failings. ]

Well, there's some benefit to living out here in the woods, I've found. Namely, the lowered odds of someone stumbling onto my land at the wrong moment.

[princess_of_ida]

[ooc: Learned today that Xue Yang's player missed AC and got an exemption and is back in the game. Let's just go with him having briefly been in the Void during this conversation.]

Very true. Gives you plenty of space to explore... yourself.

[choicely]

Why does that phrase sound like it has a wholly different meaning when you say in that way?

[princess_of_ida]

You're the one considering learning to control your monster.

[choicely]

And the other side of that... [ a soft, resigned sigh. ] likely involves needing another party around on the off-chance it needs to be subdued.

[princess_of_ida]

I'd be entertained with there being a kraken in the pond, but I'd miss you after a bit.

[choicely]

Well, I do enjoy long soaks, but not to that extent.

[princess_of_ida]

And it's not even warm water.