[ there's something reedy and strained about her voice. like she's offering it out there like an open palm, utterly unsure if yennefer will take it. ]
And I wish that I were. But I'm not. I'm not strong enough to destroy the Fold, not yet. If I were, then I wouldn't have to be so afraid. I wouldn't have tried to lie. [ she rubs her hands over her face. ] ... What I mean is, I'm sorry. And I understand if you hate me for not being honest sooner.
[ she repeats it — it feels more fitting, when she says it aloud. funny, the way that names hold their own power. how this one feels akin to the right piece sliding into place. ]
Not yet. You said so yourself. [ which means that there's still a part of her, however small, that believes she can do it, even if she's not quite there. ] We do what we must to survive. To protect ourselves. Even if that means telling a lie. You didn't have to trust me with this.
I've been learning. It's just slow. And no one who can teach me has exactly what I have, so I'm always translating. [ a little huff. ] The King wants me to be ready within the year, but I'm starting to get the sense that it's going to be more like a decade.
It's always longer than you want it to be and faster than you'd expect. [ she remembers her own impatience well, the feeling of so much power just beyond the reach of her fingertips – if only she could get that much closer to channel it. ]
So your ability. No one else is capable of channeling the same way?
[ aleksander, obviously. but genya and nikolai too. and ianthe, even, who saw such strangeness in what she called thalergy that she considered it worth cultivating. ]
Well, for starters, if I may: fuck what they think.
[ not that she has any idea who alina might be referring to — and isn’t curious enough to keep probing along those lines yet — but yen also doesn’t believe in attempting to be a people-pleaser. ]
Trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations of you will only hold you back.
Because ... [ she's flustered. tension leaks into her voice, wringing it into something higher pitched bordering on hysteric. ] Because otherwise what's the point? Of any of it?
[ she would be a martyr, and still no one would give her the time of day. she would still just be alina, that little stick of a shu orphan who was unremarkable in every way. ]
You’re already different from them, Alina. Set apart. No one has the power you do, so why define yourself by what anyone else thinks?
[ she knows why — because it’s a lesson she herself had to learn when she was closer to that age. when she was still straining for the power she envied in others. ]
The strongest ones always have to carve their own path, not follow the ones laid out by others.
[ she lets that sentence breathe. realizes that it makes no sense without real context, that yennefer has stepped into something that alina has not even processed for herself. she rubs her hands over her face, breathes deeply, and tries again. ]
I told you before that Ravka has been at war. Our neighbors to the North and South are both eager to invade. To the South is Shu Han. [ it's hard to get these words out. ] Even before I was drafted into the First Army, people were eager to tell me how I look like the enemy. I've been treated like a spy and like dirt. Even the king was surprised I spoke Ravkan, and not Shu.
[ her voice trembles. ]
I don't want to be different. That's what I've always been. I just want them to look at me like I'm ... like I'm worth something.
[ there's another pause before yennefer replies, not just because she wants to digest everything alina's telling her but because she's weighing over whether it's important to divulge something else. years ago, if she'd been having this same conversation, she might have shied away at the idea of sharing this truth about herself, but now — now, she refuses to hide who she is, the blood she possesses. it's been used against her for far too long. ]
I'm going to tell you something no one else here knows. Not out of some great attempt at secrecy, just because it hasn't come up in conversation. But I have elven blood. And it was something that was used to diminish me, made me a target to be discriminated against. I nearly lost out on the placement I wanted most as king's mage because another sorcerer viewed me as lesser, tainted by the fact that I wasn't wholly human. [ but honestly, fuck stregobor. ]
You are different, whether you want to be or not. But you don't have to give others the power to make you feel inferior. Not if you recognize your own value, and what it is you possess that they don't.
The only thing that I possess that they don't is worthless until I can grow powerful enough to destroy the Fold.
[ she's got that teenage density that keeps yennefer's well-reasoned compassion and empathy from fully penetrating, or at least from fully giving root to any self-compassion. ]
[ her voice cracks as she finally says it aloud. ]
I'm not as strong as he is.
[ 'was,' she should have said. the black heretic was supposed to be dead and gone, lost to history. he was not supposed to sit on her bed and tell her about birdsong and bring her food. she draws a shuddering breath. ]
I might never be. Certainly not fast enough for it to mean anything, to matter. Not on my own.
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[ there's something reedy and strained about her voice. like she's offering it out there like an open palm, utterly unsure if yennefer will take it. ]
And I wish that I were. But I'm not. I'm not strong enough to destroy the Fold, not yet. If I were, then I wouldn't have to be so afraid. I wouldn't have tried to lie. [ she rubs her hands over her face. ] ... What I mean is, I'm sorry. And I understand if you hate me for not being honest sooner.
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[ she repeats it — it feels more fitting, when she says it aloud. funny, the way that names hold their own power. how this one feels akin to the right piece sliding into place. ]
Not yet. You said so yourself. [ which means that there's still a part of her, however small, that believes she can do it, even if she's not quite there. ] We do what we must to survive. To protect ourselves. Even if that means telling a lie. You didn't have to trust me with this.
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[ by a long shot, in fact. ]
But I'm grateful to you for understanding.
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[ it might be easier to hear, if not see, the vocal equivalent of a shrug. ]
Power is something I understand quite well.
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[ it's not something that has been kind to alina. ]
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So your ability. No one else is capable of channeling the same way?
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A few.
[ aleksander, obviously. but genya and nikolai too. and ianthe, even, who saw such strangeness in what she called thalergy that she considered it worth cultivating. ]
I'm trying not to disappoint them.
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[ not that she has any idea who alina might be referring to — and isn’t curious enough to keep probing along those lines yet — but yen also doesn’t believe in attempting to be a people-pleaser. ]
Trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations of you will only hold you back.
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(cw: internalized racism & bodyshaming)
[ she would be a martyr, and still no one would give her the time of day. she would still just be alina, that little stick of a shu orphan who was unremarkable in every way. ]
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[ she knows why — because it’s a lesson she herself had to learn when she was closer to that age. when she was still straining for the power she envied in others. ]
The strongest ones always have to carve their own path, not follow the ones laid out by others.
(some more cw: racism)
[ she lets that sentence breathe. realizes that it makes no sense without real context, that yennefer has stepped into something that alina has not even processed for herself. she rubs her hands over her face, breathes deeply, and tries again. ]
I told you before that Ravka has been at war. Our neighbors to the North and South are both eager to invade. To the South is Shu Han. [ it's hard to get these words out. ] Even before I was drafted into the First Army, people were eager to tell me how I look like the enemy. I've been treated like a spy and like dirt. Even the king was surprised I spoke Ravkan, and not Shu.
[ her voice trembles. ]
I don't want to be different. That's what I've always been. I just want them to look at me like I'm ... like I'm worth something.
cw: also racism
I'm going to tell you something no one else here knows. Not out of some great attempt at secrecy, just because it hasn't come up in conversation. But I have elven blood. And it was something that was used to diminish me, made me a target to be discriminated against. I nearly lost out on the placement I wanted most as king's mage because another sorcerer viewed me as lesser, tainted by the fact that I wasn't wholly human. [ but honestly, fuck stregobor. ]
You are different, whether you want to be or not. But you don't have to give others the power to make you feel inferior. Not if you recognize your own value, and what it is you possess that they don't.
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[ she's got that teenage density that keeps yennefer's well-reasoned compassion and empathy from fully penetrating, or at least from fully giving root to any self-compassion. ]
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[ but she knows that when you’re a certain age, even the amount of time required to build up the strength of ability feels akin to an eternity. ]
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[ her voice cracks as she finally says it aloud. ]
I'm not as strong as he is.
[ 'was,' she should have said. the black heretic was supposed to be dead and gone, lost to history. he was not supposed to sit on her bed and tell her about birdsong and bring her food. she draws a shuddering breath. ]
I might never be. Certainly not fast enough for it to mean anything, to matter. Not on my own.
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