[ yennefer doesn't feel it's her place to remark on any kind of connection between the two women — or what might be the bigger impetus for feelings on ianthe's end, especially since she's sure ianthe hadn't meant to let that particular detail slip to her before. it's more of a relief, then, when gilia changes the subject again. ]
Controlled only because I haven't yet faced the level of transformation that others endure. That doesn't mean I've ruled out the possibility of it for myself.
[ it happened once at the start, but since then she's made a concerted effort to prevent it from getting to that point. ]
And it doesn't mean I don't know what losing control feels like.
[ She attempts the laugh of agreement, but even to it her it falls flat. ]
Some... especially for a ruler, is probably just common sense.
[ She swallows, trying to just get it out. ]
...things... used to happen to me — a person I loved... very much — he would treat me very badly. He would be cruel, very, very cruel to me. Sometimes he would say things to me, other times he would... he would hurt me. [ Yen doesn't need her trauma dragged out at her, she knows she can figure out the blank spaces well enough. ] He said it was to make me strong, because we were heirs to an ancient power, royal and expected to endure these things. I didn't feel strong, after.
[ Her teeth set tightly. ] I have just been... afraid of everything, ever since.
There's no question you are strong, in the wake of enduring such things. Those who have gone through that kind of adversity have one of two choices to make in the aftermath of it. They can dwindle down into nothing, or they can emerge differently from who they were before.
[ yennefer isn't going to delve into her own past, but there is pain there, and abuse, and rejection. the sort of things that are often leveraged at a young girl who is a living reminder of her mother's infidelity. ]
Afraid of being feared? Or afraid of embracing your potential to its fullest?
No one had ever called her strong, and certainly not for that. The noise is ugly and exhausted after the past few days, stealing out like a dying animal from her chest before she shoves it back down. ]
Forgive me, I do not mean to — [ She forcefully breathes in and out to get it calm. ] — It is not a word I hear often said to me. Thank you. It means... it means much, to hear.
[ perhaps yennefer just has a different perspective than many others would on the same subject. perhaps she's encountered enough adversity in her years that she can only view it as the sort of thing that would strengthen her in the end.
it doesn't mean she's any more prepared to acknowledge the presence of tears. on the other hand: ]
I wouldn't say it if I didn't believe it to be the case. [ which either ameliorates things or has the potential to make it worse; right now, she remains uncertain. ]
You should never have to diminish yourself. Not for your own sake, and certainly not for the sake of others.
[ if she sounds slightly more impassioned in that moment, it's because this is a subject that she feels significantly strong about — perhaps it's why she'd only been able to bear her position as aedirn's mage for a handful of decades before tiring of the courtly politics and other responsibilities. serving at the right side of a king could only satisfy her for so long. ]
I suppose there is a slight difference, though, between a stronger assertion and more overt domineering.
[ Really why in the end, she had wanted to ask Yennefer, because she suspected the woman shared some of her scale. ]
We are warned from infancy what happens when we lose control, when we lash out, we destroy cities, one song, and I wash this town away. Before, the thought sickened me.
But Spirits, lately, lately this temper I have never had, not like this, it gnaws at me, like all of this is longing to break free of me.
But it would take a significantly large effort for something like that to happen, wouldn't it?
[ even a similar display of chaos, yen thinks, would take power magnified beyond its initial form, and something a sorceress could achieve but certainly not without time and allowing the magic to build on itself. ]
There's also the possibility that stifling yourself could lead to something worse, if you don't find ways of letting the power trickle out of you a little at a time.
[ Would it? At home, it is a risk for the sea is everywhere, but here, there are rivers and lakes, the small shades of something greater. ]
I am not... sure. At home, it would take a great emotion. A great pain, a great happiness. I am no longer sure what I could accomplish here. I certainly could wield the flood waters in great freedom.
[ and isn't that half the issue? ]
I know being near Sweeney helps, given his nature as - well, that he is a Spirit, it lets some of it break loose. Otherwise I worry that it is... it is the frustration and hurt that makes it build the way it does.
Frustration is a more commonly held emotion here than some might lead you to believe.
[ it's only that there are those among them who have gotten better at masking it, or at least pretending as though they're not affected by these unfamiliar circumstances. others, though, have no hesitation when it comes to making everyone aware of their unhappiness via the telepathic connection they all share.
she doesn't openly remark on the mention of sweeney, even though it shouldn't come as any surprise to her that he's forged connections with others. ]
Then perhaps that's the answer, for now. Finding those who can allow you to release a portion of those energies where possible.
That... that is why perhaps I ask you especially. I have... I have been afraid so long, and it is... it has made me this way. But it... it tires me, to be so... so fearful of my own voice, my own presence.
[ There are many reasons for it, but does it matter? Here she is, regardless. ]
Not only that no one else seems to take me seriously, but that I cannot seem to take myself so. How is that you... you stare others so frankly in the eye, and say as you mean so plainly?
The way it was explained to me once is that holding onto a great deal of power is not unlike attempting to capture lightning in a bottle. It's challenging, and it requires significant effort, and even the slightest mistake can be costly. But you have to attempt it with confidence, because uncertainty is the fastest way to hurt yourself or worse.
[ funny, she thinks, that she's equipping this metaphor now; somewhere, she can almost picture tissaia nodding approvingly. ]
Some of it comes with time. I've had more of it than others might guess by looking at me.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ although she has to imagine ianthe probably phrased it a bit differently than that. ]
So you require something that her particular affinity can't resolve?
no subject
Ianthe's abilities vary from my own and... truth be told, adore her as I do, we are... different in more than one way.
... and the recent.... problems, I have had... made some of it all to clear.
[ 'Slender turned me evil and now I worry I'll go crazy and develop a God Complex w/ great hair'. ]
And if it is not too bold of me to say so, I have always admired you, whatever else, as a controlled and sure woman who knows her own depths.
no subject
Controlled only because I haven't yet faced the level of transformation that others endure. That doesn't mean I've ruled out the possibility of it for myself.
[ it happened once at the start, but since then she's made a concerted effort to prevent it from getting to that point. ]
And it doesn't mean I don't know what losing control feels like.
no subject
[ Quiet. So very quiet. ]
How did you... you regain control? After it slipped?
no subject
I didn't. At first. The cost of losing control... burned me out completely. I came very close to doing some desperate things to get my power back.
no subject
[ She rubs her forehead, trying to get the word out. ]
I have been so afraid, all my life, I did not.... I did not realise until it went away and I made them afraid instead.
no subject
no subject
Some... especially for a ruler, is probably just common sense.
[ She swallows, trying to just get it out. ]
...things... used to happen to me — a person I loved... very much — he would treat me very badly. He would be cruel, very, very cruel to me. Sometimes he would say things to me, other times he would... he would hurt me. [ Yen doesn't need her trauma dragged out at her, she knows she can figure out the blank spaces well enough. ] He said it was to make me strong, because we were heirs to an ancient power, royal and expected to endure these things. I didn't feel strong, after.
[ Her teeth set tightly. ] I have just been... afraid of everything, ever since.
no subject
[ yennefer isn't going to delve into her own past, but there is pain there, and abuse, and rejection. the sort of things that are often leveraged at a young girl who is a living reminder of her mother's infidelity. ]
Afraid of being feared? Or afraid of embracing your potential to its fullest?
no subject
No one had ever called her strong, and certainly not for that. The noise is ugly and exhausted after the past few days, stealing out like a dying animal from her chest before she shoves it back down. ]
Forgive me, I do not mean to — [ She forcefully breathes in and out to get it calm. ] — It is not a word I hear often said to me. Thank you. It means... it means much, to hear.
no subject
it doesn't mean she's any more prepared to acknowledge the presence of tears. on the other hand: ]
I wouldn't say it if I didn't believe it to be the case. [ which either ameliorates things or has the potential to make it worse; right now, she remains uncertain. ]
no subject
[ She gives herself a second, clearing her voice to steady it and continue on without all the - fuss. ]
That is what is hardest, I suppose, that.... it felt good - it felt so good to wield it and be known for it, and not diminish for anyone else's sake.
To make it understood there is a mountain of things I do for their sake that they have no idea of.
no subject
[ if she sounds slightly more impassioned in that moment, it's because this is a subject that she feels significantly strong about — perhaps it's why she'd only been able to bear her position as aedirn's mage for a handful of decades before tiring of the courtly politics and other responsibilities. serving at the right side of a king could only satisfy her for so long. ]
I suppose there is a slight difference, though, between a stronger assertion and more overt domineering.
no subject
[ Really why in the end, she had wanted to ask Yennefer, because she suspected the woman shared some of her scale. ]
We are warned from infancy what happens when we lose control, when we lash out, we destroy cities, one song, and I wash this town away. Before, the thought sickened me.
But Spirits, lately, lately this temper I have never had, not like this, it gnaws at me, like all of this is longing to break free of me.
no subject
[ even a similar display of chaos, yen thinks, would take power magnified beyond its initial form, and something a sorceress could achieve but certainly not without time and allowing the magic to build on itself. ]
There's also the possibility that stifling yourself could lead to something worse, if you don't find ways of letting the power trickle out of you a little at a time.
no subject
I am not... sure. At home, it would take a great emotion. A great pain, a great happiness. I am no longer sure what I could accomplish here. I certainly could wield the flood waters in great freedom.
[ and isn't that half the issue? ]
I know being near Sweeney helps, given his nature as - well, that he is a Spirit, it lets some of it break loose. Otherwise I worry that it is... it is the frustration and hurt that makes it build the way it does.
no subject
[ it's only that there are those among them who have gotten better at masking it, or at least pretending as though they're not affected by these unfamiliar circumstances. others, though, have no hesitation when it comes to making everyone aware of their unhappiness via the telepathic connection they all share.
she doesn't openly remark on the mention of sweeney, even though it shouldn't come as any surprise to her that he's forged connections with others. ]
Then perhaps that's the answer, for now. Finding those who can allow you to release a portion of those energies where possible.
no subject
[ There are many reasons for it, but does it matter? Here she is, regardless. ]
Not only that no one else seems to take me seriously, but that I cannot seem to take myself so. How is that you... you stare others so frankly in the eye, and say as you mean so plainly?
[ How does she do that? ]
no subject
[ funny, she thinks, that she's equipping this metaphor now; somewhere, she can almost picture tissaia nodding approvingly. ]
Some of it comes with time. I've had more of it than others might guess by looking at me.
no subject
[ She rubs at her brow with thought, thinking it over, what that might be. ]
How old are you, should that not be too bold of me to ask?
no subject
I'll admit, I stopped counting after the eighth decade or so. It all runs together a bit beyond that.
no subject
no subject
no subject
But Spirits, yes, who might not be so grand as my families patron, but they have lived many centuries, some as old as the hills, even.
They say much the same. That it becomes not so important to count one decade or another.
Oh, and Sweeney, of course.
no subject
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)