I thought we were in Ravka. Or Fjerda. Or — The point is that I couldn't give you my real name because I thought it could be dangerous. So I lied. My name isn't Zoya. And I had forgotten until I was walking in town recently and then I saw Zoya ... the real Zoya ...
[ the place that holds... grisha, if memory serves. they'd been traipsing around the woods naked, so her mind had been more scattered at the time, but she has held on to bits of that conversation since.
she'll set aside the fact that the real zoya seems to be here now in favor of narrowing in on something else. ] Why is it dangerous for you to be known?
[ the one she hadn't shown yennefer, had cagily dodged. ]
There are loads of etherealki, but they're all inferni or squallers or tidemakers. I can summon light. And there's a very large problem like the Void in Ravka, cutting us off from the sea, and if I can destroy it ... we might win the war.
Which makes our enemies very interested in finding me.
[ if yennefer doesn't respond right away, it's because she's mulling everything over in her mind.
the similarities between this story and one she's only just beginning to understand are stark — even if she doesn't know every single phrase or description from this world, the root of it bears a remarkable resemblance to someone else she knows. someone else with great power. someone else who will be hunted, and yennefer needs to return to help her learn to control it. ]
Light with the power to destroy a Void. You must be powerful indeed. [ a pause, and then: ] So what is your name?
[ there's something reedy and strained about her voice. like she's offering it out there like an open palm, utterly unsure if yennefer will take it. ]
And I wish that I were. But I'm not. I'm not strong enough to destroy the Fold, not yet. If I were, then I wouldn't have to be so afraid. I wouldn't have tried to lie. [ she rubs her hands over her face. ] ... What I mean is, I'm sorry. And I understand if you hate me for not being honest sooner.
[ she repeats it — it feels more fitting, when she says it aloud. funny, the way that names hold their own power. how this one feels akin to the right piece sliding into place. ]
Not yet. You said so yourself. [ which means that there's still a part of her, however small, that believes she can do it, even if she's not quite there. ] We do what we must to survive. To protect ourselves. Even if that means telling a lie. You didn't have to trust me with this.
I've been learning. It's just slow. And no one who can teach me has exactly what I have, so I'm always translating. [ a little huff. ] The King wants me to be ready within the year, but I'm starting to get the sense that it's going to be more like a decade.
It's always longer than you want it to be and faster than you'd expect. [ she remembers her own impatience well, the feeling of so much power just beyond the reach of her fingertips – if only she could get that much closer to channel it. ]
So your ability. No one else is capable of channeling the same way?
[ aleksander, obviously. but genya and nikolai too. and ianthe, even, who saw such strangeness in what she called thalergy that she considered it worth cultivating. ]
Well, for starters, if I may: fuck what they think.
[ not that she has any idea who alina might be referring to — and isn’t curious enough to keep probing along those lines yet — but yen also doesn’t believe in attempting to be a people-pleaser. ]
Trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations of you will only hold you back.
Because ... [ she's flustered. tension leaks into her voice, wringing it into something higher pitched bordering on hysteric. ] Because otherwise what's the point? Of any of it?
[ she would be a martyr, and still no one would give her the time of day. she would still just be alina, that little stick of a shu orphan who was unremarkable in every way. ]
You’re already different from them, Alina. Set apart. No one has the power you do, so why define yourself by what anyone else thinks?
[ she knows why — because it’s a lesson she herself had to learn when she was closer to that age. when she was still straining for the power she envied in others. ]
The strongest ones always have to carve their own path, not follow the ones laid out by others.
[ she lets that sentence breathe. realizes that it makes no sense without real context, that yennefer has stepped into something that alina has not even processed for herself. she rubs her hands over her face, breathes deeply, and tries again. ]
I told you before that Ravka has been at war. Our neighbors to the North and South are both eager to invade. To the South is Shu Han. [ it's hard to get these words out. ] Even before I was drafted into the First Army, people were eager to tell me how I look like the enemy. I've been treated like a spy and like dirt. Even the king was surprised I spoke Ravkan, and not Shu.
[ her voice trembles. ]
I don't want to be different. That's what I've always been. I just want them to look at me like I'm ... like I'm worth something.
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[ yeah, let's start there. ]
I thought we were in Ravka. Or Fjerda. Or — The point is that I couldn't give you my real name because I thought it could be dangerous. So I lied. My name isn't Zoya. And I had forgotten until I was walking in town recently and then I saw Zoya ... the real Zoya ...
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[ the place that holds... grisha, if memory serves. they'd been traipsing around the woods naked, so her mind had been more scattered at the time, but she has held on to bits of that conversation since.
she'll set aside the fact that the real zoya seems to be here now in favor of narrowing in on something else. ] Why is it dangerous for you to be known?
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[ the one she hadn't shown yennefer, had cagily dodged. ]
There are loads of etherealki, but they're all inferni or squallers or tidemakers. I can summon light. And there's a very large problem like the Void in Ravka, cutting us off from the sea, and if I can destroy it ... we might win the war.
Which makes our enemies very interested in finding me.
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the similarities between this story and one she's only just beginning to understand are stark — even if she doesn't know every single phrase or description from this world, the root of it bears a remarkable resemblance to someone else she knows. someone else with great power. someone else who will be hunted, and yennefer needs to return to help her learn to control it. ]
Light with the power to destroy a Void. You must be powerful indeed. [ a pause, and then: ] So what is your name?
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[ there's something reedy and strained about her voice. like she's offering it out there like an open palm, utterly unsure if yennefer will take it. ]
And I wish that I were. But I'm not. I'm not strong enough to destroy the Fold, not yet. If I were, then I wouldn't have to be so afraid. I wouldn't have tried to lie. [ she rubs her hands over her face. ] ... What I mean is, I'm sorry. And I understand if you hate me for not being honest sooner.
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[ she repeats it — it feels more fitting, when she says it aloud. funny, the way that names hold their own power. how this one feels akin to the right piece sliding into place. ]
Not yet. You said so yourself. [ which means that there's still a part of her, however small, that believes she can do it, even if she's not quite there. ] We do what we must to survive. To protect ourselves. Even if that means telling a lie. You didn't have to trust me with this.
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[ by a long shot, in fact. ]
But I'm grateful to you for understanding.
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[ it might be easier to hear, if not see, the vocal equivalent of a shrug. ]
Power is something I understand quite well.
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[ it's not something that has been kind to alina. ]
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So your ability. No one else is capable of channeling the same way?
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A few.
[ aleksander, obviously. but genya and nikolai too. and ianthe, even, who saw such strangeness in what she called thalergy that she considered it worth cultivating. ]
I'm trying not to disappoint them.
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[ not that she has any idea who alina might be referring to — and isn’t curious enough to keep probing along those lines yet — but yen also doesn’t believe in attempting to be a people-pleaser. ]
Trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations of you will only hold you back.
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(cw: internalized racism & bodyshaming)
[ she would be a martyr, and still no one would give her the time of day. she would still just be alina, that little stick of a shu orphan who was unremarkable in every way. ]
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[ she knows why — because it’s a lesson she herself had to learn when she was closer to that age. when she was still straining for the power she envied in others. ]
The strongest ones always have to carve their own path, not follow the ones laid out by others.
(some more cw: racism)
[ she lets that sentence breathe. realizes that it makes no sense without real context, that yennefer has stepped into something that alina has not even processed for herself. she rubs her hands over her face, breathes deeply, and tries again. ]
I told you before that Ravka has been at war. Our neighbors to the North and South are both eager to invade. To the South is Shu Han. [ it's hard to get these words out. ] Even before I was drafted into the First Army, people were eager to tell me how I look like the enemy. I've been treated like a spy and like dirt. Even the king was surprised I spoke Ravkan, and not Shu.
[ her voice trembles. ]
I don't want to be different. That's what I've always been. I just want them to look at me like I'm ... like I'm worth something.
cw: also racism
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