[ she'd honestly forgotten until zoya actually showed up — because it wasn't like people used each other's names all the time in conversation, right? but it does occur to her, seeing zoya's face in front of her, a particular mistake she'd made months ago, when she'd been terrified and clueless. ]
Urgent enough to rely on their means of communication, I assume.
[ because, truth be told, she's a little less than thrilled about how they can all speak in each other's heads with no notice — but out of anyone who would reach out in this manner, she's less annoyed that it's the young woman from the woods. zoya, though their last encounter didn't involve much in the way of deeper conversation. ]
[ it takes a moment for her to realize that yennefer means the telepathy. because ... well, who hasn't, right? ]
Oh. Yeah. [ dismissive, hasty. ] I ... I don't really know how to say this, considering ... everything. [ hm awkward. probably would have been good to comment before having sex instead of now. ] Honestly, I'd forgotten about it.
How many different ways could you possibly say it?
[ fortunately, she's a little more used to having to shield her own thoughts against more invasive forms of magic — there are experiences in her past that she's taken more precautions against (she'll never forget stregobor digging through her mind, without discretion) — so her responses are slightly more measured.
still, she sounds more amused than irritated, at least. ]
I thought we were in Ravka. Or Fjerda. Or — The point is that I couldn't give you my real name because I thought it could be dangerous. So I lied. My name isn't Zoya. And I had forgotten until I was walking in town recently and then I saw Zoya ... the real Zoya ...
[ the place that holds... grisha, if memory serves. they'd been traipsing around the woods naked, so her mind had been more scattered at the time, but she has held on to bits of that conversation since.
she'll set aside the fact that the real zoya seems to be here now in favor of narrowing in on something else. ] Why is it dangerous for you to be known?
[ the one she hadn't shown yennefer, had cagily dodged. ]
There are loads of etherealki, but they're all inferni or squallers or tidemakers. I can summon light. And there's a very large problem like the Void in Ravka, cutting us off from the sea, and if I can destroy it ... we might win the war.
Which makes our enemies very interested in finding me.
[ if yennefer doesn't respond right away, it's because she's mulling everything over in her mind.
the similarities between this story and one she's only just beginning to understand are stark — even if she doesn't know every single phrase or description from this world, the root of it bears a remarkable resemblance to someone else she knows. someone else with great power. someone else who will be hunted, and yennefer needs to return to help her learn to control it. ]
Light with the power to destroy a Void. You must be powerful indeed. [ a pause, and then: ] So what is your name?
[ there's something reedy and strained about her voice. like she's offering it out there like an open palm, utterly unsure if yennefer will take it. ]
And I wish that I were. But I'm not. I'm not strong enough to destroy the Fold, not yet. If I were, then I wouldn't have to be so afraid. I wouldn't have tried to lie. [ she rubs her hands over her face. ] ... What I mean is, I'm sorry. And I understand if you hate me for not being honest sooner.
[ she repeats it — it feels more fitting, when she says it aloud. funny, the way that names hold their own power. how this one feels akin to the right piece sliding into place. ]
Not yet. You said so yourself. [ which means that there's still a part of her, however small, that believes she can do it, even if she's not quite there. ] We do what we must to survive. To protect ourselves. Even if that means telling a lie. You didn't have to trust me with this.
I've been learning. It's just slow. And no one who can teach me has exactly what I have, so I'm always translating. [ a little huff. ] The King wants me to be ready within the year, but I'm starting to get the sense that it's going to be more like a decade.
It's always longer than you want it to be and faster than you'd expect. [ she remembers her own impatience well, the feeling of so much power just beyond the reach of her fingertips – if only she could get that much closer to channel it. ]
So your ability. No one else is capable of channeling the same way?
[ aleksander, obviously. but genya and nikolai too. and ianthe, even, who saw such strangeness in what she called thalergy that she considered it worth cultivating. ]
Well, for starters, if I may: fuck what they think.
[ not that she has any idea who alina might be referring to — and isn’t curious enough to keep probing along those lines yet — but yen also doesn’t believe in attempting to be a people-pleaser. ]
Trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations of you will only hold you back.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ she'd honestly forgotten until zoya actually showed up — because it wasn't like people used each other's names all the time in conversation, right? but it does occur to her, seeing zoya's face in front of her, a particular mistake she'd made months ago, when she'd been terrified and clueless. ]
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[ because, truth be told, she's a little less than thrilled about how they can all speak in each other's heads with no notice — but out of anyone who would reach out in this manner, she's less annoyed that it's the young woman from the woods. zoya, though their last encounter didn't involve much in the way of deeper conversation. ]
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[ it takes a moment for her to realize that yennefer means the telepathy. because ... well, who hasn't, right? ]
Oh. Yeah. [ dismissive, hasty. ] I ... I don't really know how to say this, considering ... everything. [ hm awkward. probably would have been good to comment before having sex instead of now. ] Honestly, I'd forgotten about it.
cw: magic mind probing as torture
[ fortunately, she's a little more used to having to shield her own thoughts against more invasive forms of magic — there are experiences in her past that she's taken more precautions against (she'll never forget stregobor digging through her mind, without discretion) — so her responses are slightly more measured.
still, she sounds more amused than irritated, at least. ]
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[ yeah, let's start there. ]
I thought we were in Ravka. Or Fjerda. Or — The point is that I couldn't give you my real name because I thought it could be dangerous. So I lied. My name isn't Zoya. And I had forgotten until I was walking in town recently and then I saw Zoya ... the real Zoya ...
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[ the place that holds... grisha, if memory serves. they'd been traipsing around the woods naked, so her mind had been more scattered at the time, but she has held on to bits of that conversation since.
she'll set aside the fact that the real zoya seems to be here now in favor of narrowing in on something else. ] Why is it dangerous for you to be known?
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[ the one she hadn't shown yennefer, had cagily dodged. ]
There are loads of etherealki, but they're all inferni or squallers or tidemakers. I can summon light. And there's a very large problem like the Void in Ravka, cutting us off from the sea, and if I can destroy it ... we might win the war.
Which makes our enemies very interested in finding me.
no subject
the similarities between this story and one she's only just beginning to understand are stark — even if she doesn't know every single phrase or description from this world, the root of it bears a remarkable resemblance to someone else she knows. someone else with great power. someone else who will be hunted, and yennefer needs to return to help her learn to control it. ]
Light with the power to destroy a Void. You must be powerful indeed. [ a pause, and then: ] So what is your name?
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[ there's something reedy and strained about her voice. like she's offering it out there like an open palm, utterly unsure if yennefer will take it. ]
And I wish that I were. But I'm not. I'm not strong enough to destroy the Fold, not yet. If I were, then I wouldn't have to be so afraid. I wouldn't have tried to lie. [ she rubs her hands over her face. ] ... What I mean is, I'm sorry. And I understand if you hate me for not being honest sooner.
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[ she repeats it — it feels more fitting, when she says it aloud. funny, the way that names hold their own power. how this one feels akin to the right piece sliding into place. ]
Not yet. You said so yourself. [ which means that there's still a part of her, however small, that believes she can do it, even if she's not quite there. ] We do what we must to survive. To protect ourselves. Even if that means telling a lie. You didn't have to trust me with this.
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[ by a long shot, in fact. ]
But I'm grateful to you for understanding.
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[ it might be easier to hear, if not see, the vocal equivalent of a shrug. ]
Power is something I understand quite well.
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[ it's not something that has been kind to alina. ]
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So your ability. No one else is capable of channeling the same way?
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A few.
[ aleksander, obviously. but genya and nikolai too. and ianthe, even, who saw such strangeness in what she called thalergy that she considered it worth cultivating. ]
I'm trying not to disappoint them.
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[ not that she has any idea who alina might be referring to — and isn’t curious enough to keep probing along those lines yet — but yen also doesn’t believe in attempting to be a people-pleaser. ]
Trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations of you will only hold you back.
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(cw: internalized racism & bodyshaming)
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(some more cw: racism)
cw: also racism
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